Unlike the book it’s based on, which is a perfectly serviceable airport novel, voiced with the forced gruffness of a recently divorced dad who’s just started going to the gym again, The Snowman is a nearly unwatchable two hours of glum A-listers shuffling around stark, snowy landscapes, delivering their stilted lines with unintentional hilarity. It’s irredeemably bad and the reasons why will feel immediately familiar to anyone who has also played a David Cage game.